The Relentless Pursuit Of The Unattainable And How I learned To Embrace My Strength

April 21, 2016

I remember the days when I thought that the thinner I was the more beautiful I would appear. For years I lusted after smaller arms, a larger thigh gap and a flatter stomach. I thought if I could just look more like the models I saw on the pages of ELLE Magazine that I would finally be content with what I saw in the mirror. But as I acheived each goal, I never found myself basking in the satisfaction that I had hoped for and let’s be honest I was probably pretty unhealthy and weak AF.

I think many of us go through some of this as we grow up and many of us are still going through this now. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and wishing we could be more like them. But why? Why isn’t who we are or the body we were blessed with good enough?

While I don’t have all the answers, this is what made things finally click for me. Instead of worrying about how skinny my legs looked in those new Rag and Bone skinnies, I spent my time working on finding what made me happy. I found that happiness in Crossfit.

I have always worked out pretty consistently and been in pretty good shape but I was scared of lifting heavy weights because I didn’t want to get “BIG or BULKY”. I went to Gold’s Gym and took the kickboxing and body pump classes or I would get on the elliptical for 20 mins and lift the girly pink weights and would go home without barely breaking a sweat. I would do these kinds of workouts 3 times a week would eat like a bird in between to maintain my svelte body. You know what that did for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I was skinny, stupid and unsatisfied.

Finding strength training was life changing for me. It has pushed me way passed my comfort zone and finally made me realize my own strength. No longer was I using the pink girl dumbbells but instead, I started forming a relationship with the barbell. Too many women are afraid of the barbell. It looks intimidating. It’s heavy. It’s not cute but it can and will change your body in ways that Zumba can’t. I found the barbell through my crossfit gym but you can find one just about anywhere.

Now, at 32 years old, I can say that I am in the best shape of my life. That’s not just because I joined Crossfit, that is because I work hard every single day to create my happiness. Now I am no longer afraid of adding weight to my squat, deadlift, bench press and clean. It’s actually what I look forward to each time I step in the gym. Every time I walk through those gym doors I could set a PR or I could test myself and fail trying. But each time I show up, I put it all on the line and that is both terrifying and exhilarating.

While I still struggle with insecurities about my body, I feel much happier now with a little muscle and meat on my bones then I did when I had a thigh gap. Plus it’s pretty fun to be able to pick up heavy shit and throw it around.

My clothes may fit a little big tighter now and I may eventually have to go up a size in my pants since I am finally growing a butt but you know what, I am A-O-K with that. You know why? Because I know that I am healthy, strong and enjoying every second of it. So forget about the number on the scale or the size of your jeans. Find something that makes you feel like the strong/sexy beast that you are and kick ass at that. Just stick with it and I promise you will feel the results both inside and out.

Fuck Skinny – Be Strong!